Who is Ryan Without the Graphic Designer?

Last Saturday (yesterday), the Lord asked me this question all of a sudden. I was attending worker’s meeting at Church So Blessed Las Pinas. He knew that I find my worth in what I do. People notice me because of my skills. People want to be with me because of what I am – an artist. And sometimes, I think that the Lord’s love for me is based on the right things I do for Him.

But who is Ryan when stripped off the title and achievements he has gained? Who is Ryan when stripped off financially? A man who used to have a lot, now none. Who is Ryan apart from that facebook friend who always posted “Christian quotes”? Who is Ryan apart from that “righteousness” he strive to live by?

Nothing. I am nothing….not even a good friend. Not even a good servant.

After the worker’s meeting, I was kind of bothered.

I was bothered because it was the truth. I am who I am because of what I can do. If I cannot perform, I am worthless.

After that, I really did not mind it much. The Lord probably rebuked me because of my stubborn heart.

Then just this Sunday, I went to the same church, CSB Las Pinas. I came a bit early. I was sitting there and talked to church mates. But deep inside, I felt useless. So I went out and found some work to do.

They were preparing the juice for holy communion. The service was about to start and no one was assisting them. So I helped.  Suddenly, I was reminded of that question the Lord asked me. 

“People in the church notice me because I assist.” I said to myself.

What the heck! The reason I really want to excel in the things I do is because I want to get noticed. I want to be looked up to. I want to be respected and honored. I know…sounds like an old companion named Pride. Especially now that I am going through a lot, I was requiring attention.

Worship service began. We were singing the song “Beautiful Savior.” Then the devil reminded me of who I am. I am this man who has acquired womanly gestures. This what they call “malamya.”  This is the reason a lot of people mistaken me as gay.And I am honestly bothered by that.

Anyway, to defend myself from what Satan tried to remind me, I told myself. God made me this way. God made me “malamya” to worship Him with my “malamya” gestures. 

I was also reminded of a worship leader with an out-of-tune voice. I said to myself, if her voice was out of tune, then the Lord gave her that voice so that she can worship God with that voice.

If crying to the Lord while worship, and singing to the Lord with dancing and raising hands is gay, then I’d rather be gay to the Lord than to be manly to the world but DEAD. Yes I am broke. I have nothing to be proud of. I have nothing to be happy about.

“You know what” 

I shouted. I got fed off with Satan. So with boldness, I said

 “I call on all the heavens to listen to what I will sing now! Stars, pay attention. Universe, hear my cry. You angels and saints, be attentive to what I am about to sing.”

I sang this part repeatedly and with all that I have, with all that was left

“I will sing forever

Jesus, I love you.

Jesus, I love you.

How wonderful

How beautiful

Name above every name

Exalted high!

How wonderful

How beautiful

Jesus your name,

Name above every name, Jesus”

Suddenly,  I clearly heard the Lord say

“This is who you are when stripped off everything else….a worshiper…a lover of Christ.”

…………

I wasn’t able to control my tears. 

Satan may be able to steal the things I have, but he can never steal my worship.

“Lord, this is what is left of me. My heart crying

I will sing forever,

Jesus, I love you

Jesus, I love you….”

I thought the Lord rebuked me. But He poured out His love for me once again in that small church at BF Resort.

This is who I am when the Ryan Rotor facade is broken down.

I am the Lord’s.