The Angel with a White Pamaypay

I ended 2012 with a youth camp at Tanay Rizal with my Church So Blessed family. 

I met two young men who were also my roommates. They shared to me their experience of God giving them visions in their treasure hunting.

“What’s treasure hunting” Tanong ko.

“Finding lost souls.” Sabi nila

I was kind of amazed and envious at the same time. These men were younger than me and yet God is able to use them. Wow! So I asked in curiosity

“How do you get visions?”

Sabi nila “Usually when we soak (worship) in the presence of God, we see visions of people wearing very specific clothes. Pag labas namin sa church, we see those people wearing the exact same clothes we saw sa vision.”

Note to self: Visions are mostly given when soaking.

Let me simplify soaking. May celebrity crush ka ba? Was there a point in time na patay na patay ka sa kanya to the point na siya nalang palagi ang laman ng isip mo. Everything else becomes a blur. Well, you’re soaking in the presence of your celebrity crush. To soak in God’s presence means to drop off all other loads of the mind and think only of Jesus as if He is just beside you and be madly in love with Him.     

So on the second day of CSB youth camp, I saw the worship leaders soaking. Naki-singit ako. I tried to soak as well. I told myself, maybe the Lord might give me a vision. So I closed my eyes. God heard me. There was an immediate picture.

“What do you see?” The Lord asked.

“ An angel”

“Look carefully. What do you see?”

The vision zoomed on the fan.

“A fan.” I replied. Tapos hindi na nag-reply si Lord.

Si ako, feeling Joseph and Daniel (the interpreters), tried to interpret what the fan could mean. But none of the interpretations seemed right. So I told myself, if this vision was really from God, I will have to hear the word “fan” sa mga speaker sa youth camp. 

When Pastor Allen spoke, he mentioned of a story about four blind men and an elephant. To summarize the story, these men were trying to find out what an elephant really looks like. One man only touched the leg, so he concluded that an elephant is like a poste. The two men touched other parts and concluded wrongly. The fourth man touched only the ear and concluded “ang elepante ay parang PAMAYPAY.”

Ting! The vision could mean that as a Christian, I am only seeing in parts. And I admit that it’s true. Pero parang kulang. So I waited for more.

During the worship night, the Lord finally gave me a follow-up vision. I saw an angel, fanning a fire to make it ablaze. Yung tipong pag nag-iihaw ka, di ba ginagamitan ng pamaypay para magbaga yung uling! The Lord told me.

“I am rekindling your passion. ”

Because the year 2012 was a test-filled year for me, my heart seemed to have grown cold.

“ Thank you, Lord. I thought you have forgotten about me. I thought you have forgotten about my dreams and my desires. All along, you kept them and remembered what I already gave up.”

On the last day of the camp, Pastor Hiram spoke about the Great Commission. And he ended his sermon with this phrase “YUNG DESIRE NINYO PARA KAY LORD AY PAG-AALABIN NA PARANG PINAPAYPAYAN. ”

Coincidence? I don’t think so. Another jaw drop moment.

"Bang klase ka talaga, Lord!"

So I was given a vision for 2013.

2013 will be a year of burning passion for Jesus. It’s funny that his year ay nataon na year of the water snake. Because the enemy will try his best to quench that fire.

Yes it may grow weak as Satan puts evil water (trials and tests). But there was a promised pamaypay for all of us Christians. At papaypayan ni Lord ang fire sa puso natin until it blazes stronger to the point na kumalat na ang apoy sa ibang tao!

So I declare: 2013 is THE YEAR OF FIRE STARTERS.

Who is Ryan Without the Graphic Designer?

Last Saturday (yesterday), the Lord asked me this question all of a sudden. I was attending worker’s meeting at Church So Blessed Las Pinas. He knew that I find my worth in what I do. People notice me because of my skills. People want to be with me because of what I am – an artist. And sometimes, I think that the Lord’s love for me is based on the right things I do for Him.

But who is Ryan when stripped off the title and achievements he has gained? Who is Ryan when stripped off financially? A man who used to have a lot, now none. Who is Ryan apart from that facebook friend who always posted “Christian quotes”? Who is Ryan apart from that “righteousness” he strive to live by?

Nothing. I am nothing….not even a good friend. Not even a good servant.

After the worker’s meeting, I was kind of bothered.

I was bothered because it was the truth. I am who I am because of what I can do. If I cannot perform, I am worthless.

After that, I really did not mind it much. The Lord probably rebuked me because of my stubborn heart.

Then just this Sunday, I went to the same church, CSB Las Pinas. I came a bit early. I was sitting there and talked to church mates. But deep inside, I felt useless. So I went out and found some work to do.

They were preparing the juice for holy communion. The service was about to start and no one was assisting them. So I helped.  Suddenly, I was reminded of that question the Lord asked me. 

“People in the church notice me because I assist.” I said to myself.

What the heck! The reason I really want to excel in the things I do is because I want to get noticed. I want to be looked up to. I want to be respected and honored. I know…sounds like an old companion named Pride. Especially now that I am going through a lot, I was requiring attention.

Worship service began. We were singing the song “Beautiful Savior.” Then the devil reminded me of who I am. I am this man who has acquired womanly gestures. This what they call “malamya.”  This is the reason a lot of people mistaken me as gay.And I am honestly bothered by that.

Anyway, to defend myself from what Satan tried to remind me, I told myself. God made me this way. God made me “malamya” to worship Him with my “malamya” gestures. 

I was also reminded of a worship leader with an out-of-tune voice. I said to myself, if her voice was out of tune, then the Lord gave her that voice so that she can worship God with that voice.

If crying to the Lord while worship, and singing to the Lord with dancing and raising hands is gay, then I’d rather be gay to the Lord than to be manly to the world but DEAD. Yes I am broke. I have nothing to be proud of. I have nothing to be happy about.

“You know what” 

I shouted. I got fed off with Satan. So with boldness, I said

 “I call on all the heavens to listen to what I will sing now! Stars, pay attention. Universe, hear my cry. You angels and saints, be attentive to what I am about to sing.”

I sang this part repeatedly and with all that I have, with all that was left

“I will sing forever

Jesus, I love you.

Jesus, I love you.

How wonderful

How beautiful

Name above every name

Exalted high!

How wonderful

How beautiful

Jesus your name,

Name above every name, Jesus”

Suddenly,  I clearly heard the Lord say

“This is who you are when stripped off everything else….a worshiper…a lover of Christ.”

…………

I wasn’t able to control my tears. 

Satan may be able to steal the things I have, but he can never steal my worship.

“Lord, this is what is left of me. My heart crying

I will sing forever,

Jesus, I love you

Jesus, I love you….”

I thought the Lord rebuked me. But He poured out His love for me once again in that small church at BF Resort.

This is who I am when the Ryan Rotor facade is broken down.

I am the Lord’s.

Let it be done according to Your script

The problem isn’t over yet. Thank God, my family’s okay. Now we face the money part. And it’s funny how I was faithful the last time and doubtful again this time.

I feel that I have to do something to solve the problem.

In truth, I can’t. I don’t earn a lot. I don’t have any business. And I don’t plan on adding more loans to what we already have.

The things I felt that I wrote in the previous article all came back.

“Why do I have to suffer? Why me? I work hard to avoid problems. I obey God’s word to avoid future troubles. Bla bla bla”

You can imagine me very tired and heavily burdened once again. 

“Lord, provide for us PLEASE.”

It was also funny I was giving God deadlines. I think it would be a normal reaction for someone who fears. But the thing is, I lost faith….again. I was kind of worried. The faith spark was gone. However how many times I recite the Gospel, it wasn’t working as it used to.

I was never overwhelmed by any problem before. This one was a major thing. And it was sucking my life out. I even got sick and still experiencing slight fever.

One time, a brother in faith texted me. He said “The Lord told me to focus my prayer to you. How are you?”

This simple thing made me feel special in the Lord’s eyes. It made me feel that the Lord is concerned about me.

I told my friend that I want to meet up with him and vent out things that I kept to myself for weeks. He urged me to meet up because it plays an important role in the body of Christ.

So we met up at Gateway Mall, Cubao and had coffee. He ministered to me by reading me verses. When I saw him, I became happy seeing this same guy who I used to minister a year ago minister to me now.

That spiritual pride of mine was stripped off. Note 1: We are all the same in the body of Christ. We need each other. And we need to meet up in a regular basis.

 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as isthe manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews10:23-25

The good thing about this brother is that he doesn’t just give me biblical advice. He shared to me personal experiences and testimonies of other Christians who are going through a lot of things. And one of the things that touched me was when he said

“even though Christians fall, sin, go through trials and fail, they are still on the right path.”

It made me think how God loves me so much that not even my wrong decisions or the burdens in life or wrong turns can separate me from His perfect will. All along, I thought I was lost. But as He said

And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. John 6:39

 My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand. John 10:27-28

“God loves me so much.” I thought to myself in small tears.

The brother also told me that I have been very legalistic in life. That I do the right things and expect good things in return. That is why I said to the Lord

“I don’t deserve whatever is happening to me.”

Note 2: Do the right thing because it’s the right thing and because you love God.

And to complete the holy unburdening process, he urged me to stop looking at the problem as the “problem.” This is the reason all I thought about for the past weeks was the “solution.” No wonder I grew tired.

Note 3: Let it be. Let God do His work. He has a good plan and purpose for all the things that I am going through.

I was able to smile again. Then I remembered what the Great Director taught me while spending time with Him in a park. God told me that my life is like a movie. He wrote the script with a happy ending. Only He can direct it.

Every time we choose to direct our own life movie, it’s not a surprise that it will have a tragic ending. But if we let God direct our lives, surely, it will always be a happy ending.

So why am I experiencing all these? I don't know. I don't need to know. I just know that God will never ever lead me to destruction. He will lead me to greener pastures. 

So Lord, as your son,  I can’t believe I am saying this in the middle of a tough financial battle (a major shift in my prayers) but I say to You 

“Father, let your will be done.....not mine anymore.”

As a future film director of the Lord, I say to You

“Direk, let your will be done according to Your script.”

The Good News

It started when I received a text from my brother.

“Kuya, we have a BIG problem.”

I was at the office when I found out that we were under one major financial crisis.

Because of demonic influences, there had been an on-going misuse of family funds for the last few months. It was only that time (when my brother texted me) that the issue was made known.

I knew that my family was under attack. Satan wants to destroy my family and he used money (his most effective weapon to destroy relationships) to try to cut our ties. Anger broke out. Depression and tears filled the atmosphere of our house. Hatred and fear were largely present. Separation, even, was nearby.

Even I, at one point, felt them.

I honestly do not think I deserved to be involved in this mess. For me, it was unfair. I was doing what I can to be financially independent and capable. I was tithing. I was saving up. Why do I have to get involved in a mess I did not do?

“Truly, you don’t always get what you deserve.”

Life, sadly, is not just a bunch of rules that if you follow them correctly, your life is going to be problem-free.

I even thought this sad thing. I am close to the Lord and walks in His ways but what do I get from doing that? How was I different?

I am still human. Whatever I write in my blog is inspired by God Himself. But just by myself, I can’t. To be honest, I really think there’s nothing good in life. There’s no reason for me to wake up every morning and face another trial, problem or test. Life, for me, is black and white.

I tried to remind myself of the principles I learned while going to church, listening to preachers, studying the Word. But none of them was able to give me the faith that the Lord will help us. I lost that faith and almost believed that the Lord cannot help us. Why will the Lord care? Why will He help us in a mess we created ourselves? Wouldn’t He say to us “that’s what you deserve for not being wise and not being close to Me?” I just don’t know why the God of heavens would even care.

Then the Lord texted me.

“When all else fails, go back to the Gospel.”

The Gospel, in simple terms, is this: We were under God’s wrath because of our sins. So He sent His only son, Jesus, to die for us so that the power of sin is broken. We are now reconciled with God. He is not angry with us anymore. Not only that, He rose up on the third day and was seated on the right hand of the Father so that we who believe will be made like Him. Out of our sinful ways, we are now free to live for the Lord.

I meditated on these simple words day and night while going through. What is the power of sin? Sin gave my family depression, hatred, hopelessness, faithlessness, and separation. Separation….

Christ died so that my family will have a strong bond free from all these negativity. Christ died for my family’s salvation. Christ died TO PAY OUR DEBTS.

Lo, and behold, faith came like a mighty rushing wind. Hope was in the air once again. What I am praying for, GOD ALREADY ANSWERED THROUGH WHAT JESUS DID! I have a reason to believe that GOD WILL HELP. I have a foundation that SURELY, HELP WILL COME because it HAS BEEN GIVEN.

So I declared, I decreed:

“By the virtue of what Jesus did on the cross, I decree HEALING OF RELATIONSHIP, RESTORATION OF TRUST, AND DIVINE PROVISION to come to my family in Jesus’ name. I rebuke you, Satan! Get behind me and far from my family. You shall not break the ties that the Lord Jesus died for. You shall not touch our finances for the Lord died to give us divine provision. I command angels to deliver to me what the Father has already provided. Now I’m giving you the work you are waiting for. In Jesus' Name. SO BE IT!”

I realized that this is the difference of loving and serving God. This is the difference of one simple believer. God’s love made all the difference. And out of this love, I was able to preach (text) the message to my dad, my mom and my brother. When they were hopeless, I was filled with hope and faith.

I texted my brothers and sisters in Christ, messaged them on facebook to pray for me for I believe in the power of corporate prayer.

After a few days, my dad texted me.

“Anak, you are right. This family is too precious to be broken by mere money. Money can be earned again but this family cannot. This family shall remain. I will do something about the money matter. Thank God for you, anak. ”

Tears broke out of my eyes.

“ Lord Jesus, if ever you are reading my blog, I give you all praise, thanksgiving, and honor and love. You are faithful even if we are not. I bless you. Truly, you are worthy of everything I have. I give it all to you. It is not of worth, but it’s everything I have got.”

And I say this again:

“Truly, we do not always get what we deserve.” We do not deserve Christ but Christ died for us, loved us while we were still sinners. Such amazing love!

“Lord, thank you for my brothers and sisters in faith who prayed for me. I don’t deserve them yet you gave them to me. Let their names be kept secret only for you to know. I pray that you sandwhich them with every earthly and spiritual blessings.In Jesus name. Amen.”

“ Lord, I told before that nothing in life is good. But now, you gave me a reason to wake up every morning. You bring color back in to my life. You shall be the reason I meet and greet a new day every day.”

And when all else fails, go back to the Gospel, the Good news of the kingdom, that is Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior of men.

For I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jews first and also for the Gentiles. Romans 1:16

P.S. I can now text back to my brother the good news:

“Bro, we may have a BIG problem, but we have a BIGGER GOD.”