Saturday, January 19, 2013

The Angel with a White Pamaypay



I ended 2012 with a youth camp at Tanay Rizal with my Church So Blessed family. 

I met two young men who were also my roommates. They shared to me their experience of God giving them visions in their treasure hunting.

“What’s treasure hunting” Tanong ko.

“Finding lost souls.” Sabi nila

I was kind of amazed and envious at the same time. These men were younger than me and yet God is able to use them. Wow! So I asked in curiosity

“How do you get visions?”

Sabi nila “Usually when we soak (worship) in the presence of God, we see visions of people wearing very specific clothes. Pag labas namin sa church, we see those people wearing the exact same clothes we saw sa vision.”

Note to self: Visions are mostly given when soaking.

Let me simplify soaking. May celebrity crush ka ba? Was there a point in time na patay na patay ka sa kanya to the point na siya nalang palagi ang laman ng isip mo. Everything else becomes a blur. Well, you’re soaking in the presence of your celebrity crush. To soak in God’s presence means to drop off all other loads of the mind and think only of Jesus as if He is just beside you and be madly in love with Him.     

So on the second day of CSB youth camp, I saw the worship leaders soaking. Naki-singit ako. I tried to soak as well. I told myself, maybe the Lord might give me a vision. So I closed my eyes. God heard me. There was an immediate picture.



“What do you see?” The Lord asked.

“ An angel”

“Look carefully. What do you see?”

The vision zoomed on the fan.

“A fan.” I replied. Tapos hindi na nag-reply si Lord.

Si ako, feeling Joseph and Daniel (the interpreters), tried to interpret what the fan could mean. But none of the interpretations seemed right. So I told myself, if this vision was really from God, I will have to hear the word “fan” sa mga speaker sa youth camp. 

When Pastor Allen spoke, he mentioned of a story about four blind men and an elephant. To summarize the story, these men were trying to find out what an elephant really looks like. One man only touched the leg, so he concluded that an elephant is like a poste. The two men touched other parts and concluded wrongly. The fourth man touched only the ear and concluded “ang elepante ay parang PAMAYPAY.”

Ting! The vision could mean that as a Christian, I am only seeing in parts. And I admit that it’s true. Pero parang kulang. So I waited for more.

During the worship night, the Lord finally gave me a follow-up vision. I saw an angel, fanning a fire to make it ablaze. Yung tipong pag nag-iihaw ka, di ba ginagamitan ng pamaypay para magbaga yung uling! The Lord told me.

“I am rekindling your passion. ”

Because the year 2012 was a test-filled year for me, my heart seemed to have grown cold.

“ Thank you, Lord. I thought you have forgotten about me. I thought you have forgotten about my dreams and my desires. All along, you kept them and remembered what I already gave up.”

On the last day of the camp, Pastor Hiram spoke about the Great Commission. And he ended his sermon with this phrase “YUNG DESIRE NINYO PARA KAY LORD AY PAG-AALABIN NA PARANG PINAPAYPAYAN. ”

Coincidence? I don’t think so. Another jaw drop moment.

"Bang klase ka talaga, Lord!"

So I was given a vision for 2013.

2013 will be a year of burning passion for Jesus. It’s funny that his year ay nataon na year of the water snake. Because the enemy will try his best to quench that fire.

Yes it may grow weak as Satan puts evil water (trials and tests). But there was a promised pamaypay for all of us Christians. At papaypayan ni Lord ang fire sa puso natin until it blazes stronger to the point na kumalat na ang apoy sa ibang tao!

So I declare: 2013 is THE YEAR OF FIRE STARTERS.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Who is Ryan Without the Graphic Designer?



Last Saturday (yesterday), the Lord asked me this question all of a sudden. I was attending worker’s meeting at Church So Blessed Las Pinas. He knew that I find my worth in what I do. People notice me because of my skills. People want to be with me because of what I am – an artist. And sometimes, I think that the Lord’s love for me is based on the right things I do for Him.

But who is Ryan when stripped off the title and achievements he has gained? Who is Ryan when stripped off financially? A man who used to have a lot, now none. Who is Ryan apart from that facebook friend who always posted “Christian quotes”? Who is Ryan apart from that “righteousness” he strive to live by?

Nothing. I am nothing….not even a good friend. Not even a good servant.

After the worker’s meeting, I was kind of bothered.

I was bothered because it was the truth. I am who I am because of what I can do. If I cannot perform, I am worthless.

After that, I really did not mind it much. The Lord probably rebuked me because of my stubborn heart.

Then just this Sunday, I went to the same church, CSB Las Pinas. I came a bit early. I was sitting there and talked to church mates. But deep inside, I felt useless. So I went out and found some work to do.

They were preparing the juice for holy communion. The service was about to start and no one was assisting them. So I helped.  Suddenly, I was reminded of that question the Lord asked me. 

“People in the church notice me because I assist.” I said to myself.

What the heck! The reason I really want to excel in the things I do is because I want to get noticed. I want to be looked up to. I want to be respected and honored. I know…sounds like an old companion named Pride. Especially now that I am going through a lot, I was requiring attention.

Worship service began. We were singing the song “Beautiful Savior.” Then the devil reminded me of who I am. I am this man who has acquired womanly gestures. This what they call “malamya.”  This is the reason a lot of people mistaken me as gay.And I am honestly bothered by that.

Anyway, to defend myself from what Satan tried to remind me, I told myself. God made me this way. God made me “malamya” to worship Him with my “malamya” gestures. 

I was also reminded of a worship leader with an out-of-tune voice. I said to myself, if her voice was out of tune, then the Lord gave her that voice so that she can worship God with that voice.

If crying to the Lord while worship, and singing to the Lord with dancing and raising hands is gay, then I’d rather be gay to the Lord than to be manly to the world but DEAD. Yes I am broke. I have nothing to be proud of. I have nothing to be happy about.

“You know what” 

I shouted. I got fed off with Satan. So with boldness, I said

 “I call on all the heavens to listen to what I will sing now! Stars, pay attention. Universe, hear my cry. You angels and saints, be attentive to what I am about to sing.”

I sang this part repeatedly and with all that I have, with all that was left

“I will sing forever
Jesus, I love you.
Jesus, I love you.
How wonderful
How beautiful
Name above every name
Exalted high!
How wonderful
How beautiful
Jesus your name,
Name above every name, Jesus”

Suddenly,  I clearly heard the Lord say

“This is who you are when stripped off everything else….a worshiper…a lover of Christ.”
…………

I wasn’t able to control my tears. 

Satan may be able to steal the things I have, but he can never steal my worship.

“Lord, this is what is left of me. My heart crying
I will sing forever,
Jesus, I love you
Jesus, I love you….”

I thought the Lord rebuked me. But He poured out His love for me once again in that small church at BF Resort.

This is who I am when the Ryan Rotor facade is broken down.

I am the Lord’s.